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The Quarterly Release: 2022 - Q2

- Last updated April 8, 2022 -

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Lost Signatory Found At Bottom Of Chasm

SNOWBIRD UTAH - It's a topic most Agilists don't talk about, but while Agile has crossed the chasm, not all the manifesto signatories did! However, just a few days ago, a young couple on their ski vacation found Hubert Rügbern (72) stumbling around at the bottom of a chasm in the Wasatch mountains. When Rügbern was questioned as to his whereabouts for the last few decades, he was mostly incoherent. However, he kept shouting "MORE EXTREME!" and kept mumbling something about being pushed from behind. Herbert was given a keyboard, which he found soothing, and is expected to make a full recovery.

Jensen Schwatherwell talking on the Agile Uprising podcast

Only two weeks out of clown school, Bob was excited to land his first gig! He had been pretty good at standing up, thought he'd sprinted decently, and had enjoyed using his infinite hanky pull-system. However, after what he considered a pretty successful first day, for some unknown reason, he was asked not to return as he was making the others look bad! And THEY weren’t even wearing their noses!

All Scaling Frameworks Found Unsafe At Scale

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Researchers at MIT Sloan School of Management have just completed a 10-year study of all major and most minor scaling frameworks, and they claim the results are quite clear. “They just don’t work at scale!”, says lead researcher Anita Bahraek. “Worse, they tend to actually cause harm as companies often spend years in a state of flux not achieving anything at a cost of millions of dollars.” The apparent problem is that, while the frameworks all address various aspects of process improvement for areas within technology departments, they tend to leave out something the research team has come to call “the rest of the business”, leading to a state of corporate apathy.

Local Optimization Removes Company From Space-time

NEW YORK, NY - Last Tuesday Cheryl Belivitt (29) ran breathlessly into a local police precinct claiming an entire company collapsed into a wormhole. Belivitt was at the company for an interview. “They said they were in the midst of a Digital Transformation and the focus was to improve the delivery team's outputs,” says Belivitt. “When I asked how that would help improve the overall system, they seemed confused.” That was when Belivitt saw people running. “First I heard someone yell that they’d become too efficient followed by screams and these strange popping sounds,” says Belivitt. “I didn’t wait, I got up and ran too! When I looked back all I saw was reality being sucked into what seemed to be a laptop running Jira.” As Belivitt ran out she claims the entire building just winked out of existence with a giant pop. Now Belivitt can’t even remember the name of the company or any of the interviewers. Exploring this further, we found business physicist Brian Jarr of NYU. “The only explanation that makes sense is that a team became so locally optimized that a quantum singularity formed, pulling the entire organization into it, effectively deleting it from our space-time continuum,” says Jarr. “It’s almost impossible to tell how often this might occur, but it is certainly best to avoid companies that over-focus their improvement efforts at only the team level.”