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Essential Scrum Oil

Breath deep resources! Organizational change has never been easier or more invasive. It's like the smell of napalm in the morning...VICTORY!

Burn the Place Down!

The best Senior Managers know that if they are going down, then so are a few others. Fuck around and find out!

Thinking, Really Slow

Sometimes, when you believe someone has risen to their highest level of incompetence, they'll dig deep a surprise you!

The Return To The Office Coping Guide

Working in the office improves the efficiency of monitoring resources and asserting the importance of a Scrums Manager! Re-embrace the commute...and PANTS!


Good Scrums Managers and Project Owners know that the key to success is making sure their resources know, in detail, what their job is and how to do it!


Products don't have to be great. Only marginally better than other choices, sticky enough to be annoying to replace, or just trap customers with a long term contract!

Detestable Business Ideas

At the end of the day it's all about raising funds and getting acquired. A facade of meeting user needs is imperative to inflating the life time customer value of your products!

Retros Without Objectives

It's important to get the team together every couple of weeks and blow off steam by rehashing all the same problems that won't get fixed!

The Manure of Software Development

Learning to program can bring real joy! And many business leaders need to suck that joy to fuel their egos and profit margins!

Continuous Interruption

The only way to find out how truly legitimate your teams are, is to keep asking them for things. The more frequent and less related the more you'll find out!

Encroaching on Fragile Teams

To be a good Scrums Manager you need both COMMAND and CONTROL. To demonstrate this, find an independent team with its own unique culture, then INVADE it! You'll show the whole world what kind of leader you really are, and you'll also find out who will actually stand up to you when push comes to shove!


This guide helps you learn what it takes to be a great manager by appearing busy while avoiding responsibility, and therefore dodging blame!

Sucking Less With Agile

Helping teams become more Agile seeming is an amazing local optimization! It certainly allows you to claim SUCCESS even though the company may only SUCK LESS!

Mortgage-Drive Development

Look, houses aren't getting any cheaper. And if anyone can maintain your codebase you're more easily replaceable! The examples in this guide guarantee a minimum of 30 years of employment!

Impersonal Kanban

Let's be honest - with most work, it doesn't really matter if it gets done. But...there's still good money to be made not solving any significant problems!

Presumptuous Designers

Users almost never know what they want if you ask them. So it's better to continuously show them what YOU know they need. Bonus points for excessive use of felt boards and post-it notes!

Extinguishing Scrum

If the tool being used continues to be misused, at some point you should question the design of the tool...unless it makes you MILLIONS OF DOLLARS!!!

Convincing, Belligerent, Expensive

You often need new words to make new changes - and even MORE often to make things seem like they are changing while really keeping them the same!

Ignore It!

You get rewarded for the features you ship TODAY! It could take weeks or months for customers to find most bugs. You'll probably be promoted by then anyway!


Help people achieve Flow by helping them realize how replaceable they are! Projects get planned much more easily in the spreadsheets too!

Demonic Resourcing

Fractionally allocating resources allows good managers to start ALL their projects AND avoid blame!

Building Microliths

OMG BEES!!! We can't believe someone has taught FUCKING BEES to write code?!?! OMG we're all going to bee unemployed!

Songs of the Product People

If you want to be a true product leader, you ship the features YOU know are right! Sing their GLORY!


Be sure to absorb the essence of True Scrums in this definitive guide to seeming Agile without the risk of improvement.

Never Enjoyable

Sometimes you know the grass isn't greener - but maybe the view will be different in another pasture?

Insidious Discovery Habits

Let's be honest, user interviews are much more efficient when you take them where they need to go.


Being able to infer you're aligned with great research is always helpful. But it's such a timesaver to focus on one myopic aspect of it.

The Hijinks Project

DevOps sounds sooo much cooler than "Release Team", but actually change how things work? Nah. Too much risk!

Who to Blame When It's Your Fault

Remember, making sure YOU have a seat when the music stops is KEY to organizational least for you.


Any press is good press. And its a LOT easier to get users to talk to their friends about your app if they loathe the user experience!

Who Can We Dupe Now?

Great product managers know how to pivot and exploit any situation - especially a good crisis.

Users Snoring, Napping

Ensuring feature parity with as many competitors as possible is a sure way to for you userssszzzzz.

Agile Decimating and Expanding

Agile is all about WINNING! Every company that has "gone agile" has become #1 in their industry! We SWEAR!

Ridicule & Banter

It's important for those in power to have the safety to say whatever they want without the repercussion of feeling guilty!

Shut Your Trap

Collaboration is great for coddling sensitive engineers, but when shit gets real, it's you that knows what needs to get done!

Team Apologies

It doesn't matter if the deadline was made up to create pressure to work harder. You missed it. Now, say you're sorry!


We need everyone to give 110% No, we wont pay you 110% but the big boss needs your extra labor to validate their ego - now GO BUILD!

Mean UX

Your product's user experience only needs to be less shitty than the alternatives. Even less if the users aren't the buyers!